27.6.20

dear diary


I just spent 5 minutes taking selfies; only to look at them and realise they're all blurry. Just like when you're at a bar with a friend, after too many red wines you decide to snap a photograph to remember the second. Then wake up to find it as all a blur. My phone is glued to me. Like another limb. I do all the right things, I have notifications turned off, silent mode on. Yet I exhaust my mind scrolling, mindlessly. What am I looking for? A sign to stop? To let go of my phone?

It feels like it gets dark at 3.00 o'clock. A few hours of light before the cities covered in a blanket of darkness. It feels like it rains everyday too, and not just a little bit but full on storms that leave you clutching your umbrella with both hands, socks slowly saturating with water as if they were freshly washed. I arrive home deflated, passing pubs on my way where couples drink together under a flow of warm lighting. Smokers huddle outside under the--
existence for myself. emotions and feeling and memories are ever changing; ever weaving in  and out. Acceptance of that is vital for our own mental survival. For the fragile minds. Because nostalgia can poison bad memories to make them seem good.
shopping list, sounds great tho although I eek at apple cider vinegar bc if you know you know.
not working is really strange. Just life. How only having uni a few hours a day/not even everyday is really strange. I wake up early anyways but it's so easy to fall into unhealthy habits. I want a project to throw myself into, but I haven't yet got anything? Vlog? Blog? I always hang around waiting. Waiting for things to be "perfect". but will they ever be? I'm scared to put myself out there but maybe its the best. So whilst the sun is still shining; I will jump in the shower, tidy the mess of my room and do something with my life. 
I thought this made me sounds like a depressed alcoholic, but I wrote it after a night out on a hangover lol.

I like drinking. I like feeling my body slip into softness; into a certain warmth. A strange clarity; a clarity I can only compare to a really good yoga class except it takes so much less effort. It's so easy; and suddenly everything is possible. I'm so productive in my mind, I can look at my phone for less. Converse for longer. It's good for now.
But the next morning begins the haze. The slow fog rolls out and the self hate rolls in. You drunk that much? Thats why. You're stupid, uncool, so quiet and weird. But this strange water tastes so nice.


I was going to write a post today about some jewellery I got for my 21st birthday, but I stumbled across some ripped out diary entries (gasp), and I wanted to share. Although situations are different in lockdown, I still feel I find my mind occasionally sharing the same space as I did when I wrote these at times. Also I am notoriously bad at spelling. I got an A* in english and I read all the time but I cant spell terribly well. I think I just rush to get words out and prefer to correct after lol. I can say I am happy tho.I feel my mind delves into places of exhaustion every now and then and as I've said before, it's much easier to write about the shit times.
Anyway, enjoy my deepest, most sincere word vomit, 
lexie x





5 comments:

  1. "Because nostalgia can poison bad memories to make them seem good." Woah. I loved reading this <3 Love, Eva

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  2. This is so beautiful Lexie!! I love the combination the viusal/written excerpts! " What am I looking for? A sign to stop? To let go of my phone?" - such a mood. I would really recommend the book How to Break Up with Your Phone!! It's been so helpful for me with regards to chaning my perspective! Sending love <3 xx

    Zoe xo
    delicate--musings.blogspot.com

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  3. omg i loveee this, why does it feel so real to read someone's ripped out diary entries?? i totally agree about writing the bad stuff, it annoys me how rarely i feel it but how often i write about it! i hope you're managing to find some projects to distance yourself from your phone (I am forever hiding mine in random places in the house just to avoid it!!) xx

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thank you x