5 December 2017

hiatus





a buddha drawn by me; peace n love all round

Hello my loves, I hope you're all well.
Time has been tumbling forward recently;  before I knew it, it was December and my last post was in October. Months have honestly flown by without me even noticing, and I hate that.

I've been in kind of a strange place recently. I feel in limbo between comfort and discomfort. The days seem to pass by so fast, and it is dark by the time I get the train home. I've come to the decision not to apply to uni this year, rather apply next year. This means that for the first time, I have nothing in the books for following year. I find myself looking at it with mixed emotions; whilst I am completely free and am not tied down, I am also terrified that this is all I will succumb to. This is my life right now and I don't want to have wasted opportunities or regrets.

I've been feeling incredibly insecure recently. This is such a hard statement for me to write because it's so raw; but I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and thats something I hate to say. For me, it's this feeling of laziness. I get soo comfortable in old habits that I struggle to break them, even though they make me feel shitty and meh. I'm not an introvert I love socialising and talking to people, but I find myself wishing I was a little less awkward or that I spoke a little louder sometimes.

I've been trying so hard to practise this self love thing and the one thing that has been helping more than anything is yoga. I've been following 'Yoga with Adriene' on Youtube and I finally get the Yoga hype. It makes me feel calm and positive, I'm still trying to fit it in my everyday routine but I'm getting there. I feel like this christmas holidays will be a difficult one for me routine wise; all my friends will be home and I'm working a fair bit. But I also cant wait for that.

To fill you all in:
I'm loving my foundation year, but it is very self directed which is something I am deeply struggling with after the constant guidance of A-Level art.

I quit driving lessons as they were giving my anxiety which was just unnecessary lol. I can drive, but I hate it. I also hate pollution and cycling is suiting me very well at the moment.

I left my cafe job on Sunday so I could work the bar job more often. It was quite an emotional exit, and what felt like the end of an era for me. It was my first job and my longest lol.


So that is where I'm up to right now. It's good to be back, and hey maybe I needed that short hiatus. I hope you all are feeling groovy and good.
Lots of love,

lexie x

2 comments:

  1. It sounds like a great idea to take a year off, you'll be so incredibly thankful for it once the time comes around. Just being able to be in control of what you're doing - whether it's working or sleeping or dozing around, it doesn't matter because it's your time. And ughhh, I get you. Feeling lazy is such a grinding feeling, because at the end of the day it is down to you and your choice to be productive or not, and while it's indulgent it's also this subtle form of self-punishment too? It sucks, and I've struggled with that in the past - when you continue to do something because it makes you feel good, even though it isn't constructive, so simultaneously makes you feel bad? My advice would be to make lists!! I think it really depends on what type of person you are, but making short to-do lists (and completing them!) helps to make you feel so much more productive and ordered, and hopefully combat the feeling of laziness too! Glad you're enjoying your foundation course despite the lack of guidance!! it's actually kinda hard to navigate through uni without that familiar fall-back and guidance we're all previously used too. I got told off for being a few minutes late to a Seminar and I loved it because I was like yesssss, you care, pls tell me what to do and if i'm doing something wrong, I need the guidance! lmao. Sounds like things are both starting and ending, and that can never be a bad thing - it's good to break off ties sometimes, even though they can be emotional af. A silver-lining always exists somewhere!! Lol this comment is incredibly long, but glad you're back g! xxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. oh gurl, I resonate so so deeply with your feelings about next year and that sense of emptiness and not knowing what it holds, that is precisely how I felt for the first 9 months of this year (the feeling still creeps up now where I feel like I'm just sort of wasting my days and disappearing) but I honestly can say, once it starts, it isn't as hard as you thought–things appear, you learn to do small character building things and have time for new hobbies (knitting, poetry writing, walking, photography are some of my favourite at the moment) and realise that life is so much more about the small things, the things that just make you feel stable and content, not the grand. But this feeling is so hard to arrive at and watching everyone else doing significant life events (uni etc) is so challenging but I've created this in my own way (e.g. meeting blogging friends!!) so I suppose what I'm trying to say is it'll be okay–I was beyond terrified about this year and emptiness but its been okay! Do it all at your own pace, gal–there's no point in hurrying into something that you aren't sure is right. Also, I hate driving lessons it makes me so anxious too oh wow. I'm glad you're finding solace in yoga–it can be so relaxing. Look after yourself!!!

    ReplyDelete

thank you x